Okay, I guess you can tell from the song, I'm lost in hope and fellings. I am not even sure the last time I woke up or even went to bed. I am done with school. That didn't end well! I walked away alone and hurting from a long two months.
I keep denying that I am a good person and I want more but maybe this is just me. Maybe I am nothing more than a good person with a good heart. Maybe retail isn't so bad and I am nothing better than that.
I guess I live in the middle of nowhere and love in a way that will never come true in my lifetime. I can give up hope for a better tomorrow and just live with today.
For now I just shut down, no more phone, no more door, no more. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, I'm not even sure I care at this point.
Yes I am cut off for a point, yet shorter than a statement. I guess I am afraid that I once again failed myself and the ones who love me. I can't stand my own disappointment, let alone to see the disappointment in their faces or the tone of their voices. I am usually a strong person, this isn't one of those moments.
Many years I stood by and took the hits for being good; I just wanted a father's love, a lover's love, or a friend's understanding. I found that the more someone opens up their heart, the deeper the wound; the harder the healing is for the one who cared.
I gave up on that non-sense years ago. I can only care from a distance, looking at the situaion from an obscure view, only seen from me. I challenged myself to be close, yet distant, loving, although cold. I met the challenge on the outside but the inside seethed with passion for every emotion.
My community of friends and family, both here and on the stream are close. If you haven't heard my voice on the phone, you may want to ask why. There are a few of you I want to talk with, yet there are others that are better left for comments on the blog only.
I was asked in class ,this week, to evaluate the personalities and intelligences of the clusters of students from the results of our survey. The problem was there were very few facts from the students.
Broken into four clusters, My cluster showed greater understanding of the assignment and applied technics. Our styles were different, yet we had/ have the same passions. The first and fast runners in the first weeks have been lean in the final weeks. I hold hope for all of my classmates, because they came here for the same purpose, a better life.
Online is not what they say, although it is no more different then skinny dipping in a Spring stream. Cold and fast at first, but you warm up to it and begin to enjoy it. You may never want to come out of a cold stream if you find a warm spot. Now that I think about it, you might want to avoid that warm spot in a cold stream, especially if you are wading near a friend.
One final thought for the day:
If you are a true person and want a shoulder to lean on, lean on me. I will give a true friend my number, I will even call, but I am a harsh judge of friendship. I have very few I trust with my life (heart and emotions).
There are no better judges than God and a true friend. One sunrise can set you free, and one dark night can take your life. Hold onto what is true.
IZ went over the rainbow on June 26, 1997. Israel Kamakawiwoole was a great person and loved by his friends and a nation. IZ is a strong heart that still brings the islands together. The heart of IZ never gave up or forsook anyone.
I never knew that I could feel such a loose without ever knowing the person, especially since he has been gone for eleven years. It makes me wonder why we try so hard for tomorrow and never live today. It all becomes sad when you love and lose; yet gain with hate in your heart. When does life become fair, if ever?
I have a way of sitting on my thumbs and considering my future. The one thing I never did in life was to not know myself. I would love for everyone to listen and watch "Hair" and learn a little more about me.
I Got Life
There is a reason to live even you can not see it. Once alive, you find a yearning that holds you to a higher standard. I think I will need a stronger straw if I have to suck it up for the next three years.
There is greatness that falls between the cracks and we allow this to happen. A little angel shines as she reaches out her hand, She wants to feel the warmth of the day bring you home.
We all looked at one another. In our eyes, we saw fear and hope as we marched forward into a doomed day. With my M-16 proudly by my side, I still hold you in the morning. This wasn't what I wanted! Can we just stop fighting? Can we leave well-enough alone? Can we just stop this silly shit and bring our boys and girls home?
This silly shit has to stop! I know what is happening there is wrong but we are not making it right. It's time to come home.
Many Blogstream members are there
already! Quotes from members: "It's like blog lite!" -- "I like the instant
gratification!" -- "Stop spectating, get in the game!"
If you have not joined in, you are really missing out!
