Things have been more than a little strange around my mind every since Kitten (Cathy) walked out of my life without saying goodbye.
I was able to embrace her one last time and gently hold her head to my chest. Tenderly caressing her back while breathing in her essence. I gave her a farewell kiss and said I love you one last time. The only problem is, I didn't know it was our last moment together. She smiled, turned, and walked away knowing in her mind that it would be our last time together.
I am merely a gaunt shadow of the man I was with her in my life. At times the fire stirs and I become larger than life. Dancing, joking, taking care of others but mostly I smolder in the ashes of what ifs. I cry uncontrollable and it is difficult to say the least. It's been three months and my heart refuses to give up. Don't get me wrong, my mind wants to kick her ass across the lawn if I ever see her again. Of course the people that know me, including me, are worried as hell that I will let her back into my life.
One look from those big blue eyes and I will fade and remember. God forbid if she gets close enough for a hug, I'm done for. I don't know what I will do but I know it won't be violent. I will probably cut her to the quick. First that pitiful look of hurt and disappointment and then "SNAP" that look that everyone fears to see from me. That is to say I will most likely give her that look that says " You are a complete disappointment and a failure even though I still love you; you're not worth my time. Standing this close takes air away from a good person that wants to live". I know it is hard to believe a person could say all that with one look but it's a family trait. My father has it, I have it, and my older son can do it quite well. We allow our lives to show on our faces. I guess Kitten couldn't handle that either. She was about lies and I always tell the truth.
I still am not sure where I stand in the life of this man known as Scott but I know we could be great if he would crawl out of his bottle hide-a-way and bask in the sun beams of life.
