Mom is trying to leave me alone and it is killing me, actually her. I was suddenly awaken by a phone call from my sister two hours before work.
My mom has been rushed off to the hospital due to a heart attack. If you read my blog now I feel guilty because I praised my mom. At seventy years of age she is finding it harder to get around but she always managed. Her entire life she has been a fighter and a survivor and I don't see her stopping now but... What happens when she does?

Mom is our life-line. She is the one common thread that holds us together. In some ways the "Whip Master" that keeps us from taking each other apart. Overall the best woman prayers can give.

Now she is in a bed waiting for God to give her an answer; does she get to come home or stay on Earth? I don't want to miss my mom but she deserves her rest. God needs good angels and He couldn't find a better one than her.

Forget "God bless America", God bless my mom. The president had a nation to take care of him and my mom had to talk care of me on her own. God bless saint Anna Marie; the patron saint of lost dreams, broken promises and future tomorrows. That is to say that she was the one person in my life that always tried to make it better. My mom did that for me and every soul she met. She is a quiet person unless you need help and then she pops into action.

I love my mom and at this point I want to be selfish. GOD don't take her I still need her!

As my mom tied my shoes I watched each motion of her hands because some day I was going to be a big boy. I was the youngest of five children and the only boy so I was alone often with mom. My sisters were all out with various friends and mom was being busy at home. Dad, as usual, was off in another country doing his military thing and I was sitting at the window wishing I was older. Mom would always remind me that the day would come soon enough and I shouldn't wish my life away.

I was a restless child (who later in life turned into a restless man) so mom would do her best to keep me busy. I learned how to clean a house almost as good as I could mess it up. Of coarse the soapy toilet plunger circles never did come off the walls but it was fun. My mom taught me how to cook and she gave me mind bender puzzles to keep me entertained. The puzzles never lasted that long because I would figure them out to fast. Mom did learn to keep watches away from me although at times she would pick some up at a yard sale and give them to me. I was always fascinated with the inner workings of watches and clocks, I still am. I love my mom! We had our days because I was a hand full of trouble but she loved me anyway.

I was five the last time we moved to Germany; the last year of my father being in the service. I loved Germany and the German families that became our family for a good portion of my live. Even to this day I hear about my uncles and their families. Cookie actually moved to Florida to go to school the year I left and moved to Wyoming. I could have married her, for sure. I really enjoyed that year and the memories have lasted me a life time.

... The day wasn't anything special, just another day. Mom helped me get dressed and tied my shoes once more as I looked on to learn. I was sitting at the window waiting and my sisters were at their friends. Mom had just finished the laundry and decided we needed a change. She could see I was thinking to hard and the energy was building to a dangerous level. As I stood on the stool in front of the sink washing my hands mom washed my face. She grabbed her purse and off we went to town.

Oh! How do I tell you about this day? There was so much for a child of five.

We got on a train that took us to town. The train was fun because the wheels in the middle were in a pivot point(giant circle) that swiveled when the train turned. I played all the way to town even though I got in trouble a lot. It is a big no-no to do that. The train pulled into the station and we departed. As we walked down the platform, there it was Germany. No more military housing, it was the real deal. Mom and I walked for miles. I think she was hoping that energy level would drop but it only got bigger along with my eyes. So much to see and I wanted it all. She showed me the enormous clock tower that had been shot straight up the side during WWII. Then there were the vendors selling their products under the street.

I don't know about everywhere in Germany but in this town nobody crossed the street. You went underground into these tunnels , that way the traffic wasn't disrupted. They were very clean and along both sides were tables. All kinds of people and all kinds of stuff to buy. While we were walking we stop once again so mom could tie my shoe. When she was done and small group of people came out of the motel. They were laughing and having a good time as they packed up their VW bus with their band equipment. Some young band just playing gigs and loving life. The funny thing was I was dressed just like them. Same shirt, right down to the color and same color blue jeans. They warmed up to me real fast. The guys shook my hand and rubbed my head and the girls gave me hugs and kisses. Mom talked with them for a few minutes and then we were off again. Back to the train station so we could be home in time for dinner. Mom said it was our little secret and to this day it is.

That night when I was playing around the house my shoe came untied. I sat down and tied it and continued to play. There is one thing I haven't told anyone. I new for some time how to tie my shoe. I just loved watching the careful movements and love that mom put into teaching me. I loved seeing her finish the bow and the loving way she looked right into my eyes to receive a smile from me.

So you see I don't care how rich a person is or how smart, it's all about love. My mom poured out love in a glance and received it in her heart. There is no better person in the world if you have a mom like mine and I hope you do.

In time I would learn why James left so suddenly without saying goodbye but that didn't take the pain away. We had been friends all our lives and without a word he was gone. We shared a crib as babies and trusted our girlfriends with each other later in life. Our kids grew up in the same way. Our wives would go shopping on the week-ends while James and I watched the kids and cooked out.

Our last year together was filled with so many adventures in the mountains and even at home. James kicked it into high speed and at forty we ran with the wind. We spent most of our days hiking and fishing. The weeks before James went away he didn't hike as much and even the fishing seemed to take a toll on him. He always had a smile and a warm greeting for me as I returned back to camp with dinner. We shared the cooking as we joked about how bad both of us were at frying fish. I think the joking was the problem. We would get carried away and end up burning the meal. We never got any better over all those years but we didn't mind, that was part of the fun.

It was late when we came off the mountain that final Sunday. I dropped James off at his house and drove the extra mile and a half to be reunited with my family. I couldn't help but feel that James was keeping something from me. I asked him several times during camp but he would just smile and say it was nothing. I respected his privacy so I let it go. A few days later James was gone. I know if James had a choice he would have stayed but sometimes a choice isn't given and we have to live with it. Three days later Mary (his wife) handed me a box and a letter. The box was filled with various mementos from passed adventures through the last forty years. The letter was simple and to the point. My heart stopped as I read the first lines:

Tom,
If you are reading this that means the cancer got the better of me. I am sorry I left so soon. We had so much life to live but we lived hard early. Take care of Mary and the kids and I hope the grands do better than us.

We had so much fun growing up and getting older even though I never made it to old. Tag, your it. Take care of our life.

forever yours James.

I began to wonder how I could take on two lives with one heart. It seemed impossible but I finally got it, I am not alone. I have not been alone all my life. James was and is always a part of my life. As I teach his kids values I will be teaching our values not just mine. We are one and he knew that when he made me the Godfather of his kids. I know it will be hard living without James but he helped me be the man I am and I can carry on to bring up the children he wanted.

P.S.
This is just a story.

I am 41+ but I still see the child taking the belt or the fist. I have grown out of a lot of things as I grew up but I never got past the beatings; every time my father was home I got them. It didn't matter, mentally or physically they all hurt. I would rather have a hot poker stuck in my eye than to deal with that pain again. He was a nice man on the outside but so cruel at home. I am surprised my mom didn't kill him off a long time ago.

There was no sexual abuse (Thank GOD)but I could feel the anger, I don't know what kind or where it came from and it scared me. It hurt, it hurt so much, for so long and I never knew why. I wasn't a bad child. I played hard and lived wilded but I was a healthy kid (as far as play goes). I loved when my dad came home but it hurt.

Did I really have to pay a price to see my father? Should a son wish that his father dies in a war so he can be better off without him? I don't wish death on anyone but this man is messed up. He comes off these days as a nice guy but he will never be right again. Yet to this day the beatings and the verbal abuse still resound in my thoughts. My dreams are haunted and I feel like a child reaching out for a warm embrace only to grasp the fog in the twilight hour.

Always in darkness without a trace hope lies within as we reach out. When God and man embrace, hope comes alive and there is a rebirth that the children are not alone. We have lived our past and pray for tomorrow but what we pray for is hope and our children.

Please care about the children!

I never have liked the thought of giving up and walking away from anything but some times it needs to be done. Like the problem I was having with my net connection. The problem was not that big but lack of knowledge and a new service slowed my progress. I tried to resolve the problem for several weeks but it was no good, I was to close to the problem.

I enjoyed my time away but missed my friends. After a good day of sleep I turned my computer on to give it another try. I thought about the easiest and logical thing that could have gone wrong. A few well placed clicks and I was on-line once again. I am not saying that my computer is at 100 percent yet but it is allowing me to blog today.

Life is no different. There are times when we are in the middle of a situation that we are unable to solve it. We begin to doubt our abilities to reason with even the smallest things and we get frustrated. When that happens you need to walk away. After you have a chance to relax and get your mind on something else then you can try again. The solution my not come to you at first but you can never give up. Sooner or later you will find the answer.

It is not easy to deal with life when this happens because you never know how long it will take to get past it. The best we can hope for is that we never lose our faith. You might need the help of a friend or maybe even a stranger to reveal the answer in the right moment. No matter what never give up.