I gave up! I fell on the road and had no desire to get up again. I held my future and put it in front of me. I slowly pulled myself forward never giving up hope.

There are times that it seems like the long way home is better but we just forgot how simple life is. I miss you and those days. Sometimes the long way home is a short-cut. Love ya babe.

I never stopped seeing what was before me. I missed so much while I lived wild. I ran with the trains and forced my arms to swim in a river I never wanted to be in. I pushed myself against the mountain as I neared the cave opening. I felt the cool stone touch my heart as it beckoned me to travel her lone miles. I felt her deep in my soul and I entered.

Father Time gave me a minute to realize what life had to offer. That minute gave me a day and I wanted to forget. I saw to much and I wanted to run. I never wanted to be the me that everyone saw in me. Take me away!! There are times when I run away and ask that simple question "Who am I?". Can you tell me?

   I am starting to remember growing up and what has happened. I will write on that on "Generations Lost" but for now I want to share this article I found. I can relate to this and the more I research my conditions the more I understand it is nobodies fault on their own. In the last two weeks I found the source of my fears but I never realized what feed them. Maybe this will help others; like a sun beam on a cloudy day.

 LACK OF PARENTAL SUPPORT DURING CHILDHOOD IS ASSOCIATED WITH INCREASED ADULT DEPRESSION AND CHRONIC HEALTH PROBLEMS, STUDY FINDS --------------------------------------------------------------------------------    WASHINGTON — People with abundant parental support during childhood are likely to have relatively good health throughout adulthood, whereas people with inadequate parental support while growing up are likely to have poorer health as adults, suggests a new study involving a nationally representative sample of nearly 3,000 adults. The findings are reported on in the March issue of Psychology and Aging, a journal published by the American Psychological Association (APA).       

   Research has long shown that children who receive abundant support from their parents report fewer psychological and physical problems during childhood than children who receive less parental support. Studies have also found that adult psychological and physical health is influenced by the amount of social support adults receive. Now, Benjamin A. Shaw, Ph.D., Assistant Professor at the School of Public Health, University at Albany and colleagues from the University of Michigan investigated for the first time whether the health effects of parental support received during childhood persist throughout adulthood into old age.

   The researchers analyzed responses from 2,905 adults, ages 25–74, who participated in the National Survey of Midlife Development in the United States. The participants were asked about the availability of emotional support from their mothers and fathers during the years they were growing up, such as “how much could you confide in her or him about things that were bothering you?” and “how much love and affection did she or he give you?” Depressive symptoms, chronic health conditions and self-esteem were also assessed through survey questions. 

   Results of the study indicate that adults’ current mental and physical health is influenced not only by current psychosocial conditions, but also by earlier life psychosocial conditions dating back to childhood, including parental support. The researchers found a lack of parental support during childhood is associated with increased levels of depressive symptoms and chronic health conditions (such as hypertension, arthritis and urinary problems) in adulthood, and this association persists with increasing age throughout adulthood into early old age. The association appears to be more strongly linked to mental health than physical health problems, which may be due to differences in how these problems develop over time, according to the authors.

   “These findings are important because they not only reveal a strong association between early parental support and adult health status, but also provide some preliminary insight into factors that link early social conditions with adult health and well-being,” says Dr. Shaw. “In this study, we found that the association between early parental support and adult health may be largely due to the long-term impact of parent-child relationships on important psychosocial resources. Specifically, early parental support appears to shape people’s sense of personal control, self-esteem and family relationships, which in turn affect adult depressive symptoms and physical health.”

    If additional research supports these findings, the authors say the implications may be far-reaching for predicting who is at elevated risk for ill health in late life, and for improving the physical and mental health of older adults. “Instead of only considering the impact that contemporaneous psychosocial resources and experiences may have on the physical and mental health of adults and older adults, health practitioners may need to cast a much broader net that encompasses earlier life conditions dating as far back as childhood.”

Article: “Emotional Support From Parents Early in Life, Aging, and Health," Benjamin A. Shaw, University at Albany, State University of New York, Neal Krause, Linda M. Chatters, Cathleen M Connell, and Berit Ingersoll-Dayton, University of Michigan; Psychology and Aging, Vol. 19, No. 1.

 This article should make a blind man see but if you need more go to the full story. I guarantee you there will be more of me to follow on this subject. Full text of the article is available from the APA Public Affairs Office or at http://www.apa.org/journals/releases/pag1914.pdf

 (Sorry, I haven't learned that "Fusible link crap yet, but I will by the next time I do this.". I love this computer crap! WOOHOO!!! Sorry. I hope this works!

My walk home this morning seemed a little lonelier and a lot longer. This has been one of those weeks that if it could go wrong, it did. The Bone Creek fire is 60% contained but the wind has been blowing in from the west and with it came the smoke. Smoke seems harmless enough however contained in that smoke are spores, molds and fungi. There are also people that are allergic to certain types of wood when it is burned. Anyway, enough about smoke.

I have been lethargic this week; caring about everything and nothing all at once. Between my health and everything that has taken place my energy is depleted. I know the signs: I've been eating like a pig, sleeping like an ol' hound dog and working like a horse. For me that is a sure sign of deep thought and slight depression. I can feel this one is going to last because it all hit to close to home.

Last week ended with my youngest son trying to commit suicide, fires were out of control and many people at work were very sick; myself being counted as one of the sick. This week started off on a personal level and got worse. In one stroke an associate that I work with gave me the events that had happened on my days off:
Rowena's grandchild died shortly after birth,
Terry has cancer and has a tough road ahead of her(sounds like a short road) and
Susan's daughter committed suicide leaving behind two daughters.

I should have known when I loaded a liter of water in my back pack that something was wrong in my mind. As my feet carried the weight of my world on its back I gave no thought of distance. I began to think of all that has happened and then the pondering. Running each life through my mind and caressing it with each emotion. Over and over again each thought played out as every stride brought me closer to home. Occasionally I would drink from the bottle but I never missed a stride.

I thought about Terry and her cancer, I thought about my sister and what she has gone through; cancer does not discriminate. I thought about me, I thought about me and Jake while I thought about Susan; the end of a rope is a bad place to be hanging. Rowena pulls still another heart string when I think about her lose; I myself losing twin boys before birth and at different times.

The miles fell below my feet as my mind continued to walk its own path. Hours felt like minutes and the path I normally walked turned into the one I drove. My feet methodically striking the pavement as if a drummer was walking beside me. First the pavement and then the gravel road that lead me miles out of town towards the mountain. My mind becoming numb and then any feeling I had left in my body disappeared. The sharp rocks from the road pushed deep into the depths of my shoe and yet I pressed on never once missing a stride. I know air continued to flow through my lungs but I don't remember it. Sensation blended with thought and reality; dreams became thought and reality became thought. I was no longer walking on the land I knew.

I walked from my life into life. I tried to stand back and look at the whole picture but that was impossible for I am not God. I am reduced to viewing life through my eyes. I guess I am learning that my life is to touch a heart and open it but I am never allowed to love for life. I guess I just need to learn when to leave and let God lake over.

So that one hour walk turned into a four hour journey into my heart, soul and mind. I did not come out the same loving person I was and for that I am sorrowful. I hope I can regain the person I was becoming. I don't mind the person I became this week, I just need to embrace the cold.

The dragon has gone from the face of the mountain but the dragon still races on. She consumes at will and takes the lives of innocent people. The winds blew in from the west today and I could feel her anger towards mankind. The smoke from her fury covered the valley and life was still for a moment. The soft sweet day faded as her wrath feel upon us, we could see and feel the impending doom as the day grew old.

Even though the distance seems great the dragon has many allies that will help her approach sooner than expected if we do not intervene. We sent out forces but that has taken a toll. Yet the smoke chokes the young and the old leaving the work to the weak and feeble. She is strong but we are faithful; no fight goes unchallenged. We have taken out her fires but we are going to take out her fury once and for all, this year.

There is always a dragon. Today it is a wildfire and tomorrow the checkbook. What ever happens today you deal with. I know God was right when he said "This is the day God made, rejoice and be glad in it" and I believe that. No matter what, if you can't rejoice in breathing, be thankful for your next choice.